They Told Me I May have Cancer
You think you don't have time.
For three days I thought I was in big trouble. Unfamiliar big trouble. For three days I considered the threat, the implications if true, and the decisions I better make realistically. Not emotionally. Pragmatic clear thoughts. Spending a good portion of the day sitting while waiting for my puzzle to come together allowed clear pragmatic thinking. That thinking required breathing. Slow, deep, cleansing breaths. It required my empathy to kick in and take in all the others seeking solutions to their puzzles. In a room filled with like seekers I considered others. Then the whole. Then myself. You sit and think a lot when you're in a hospital. The question scratched inside my skull. What am I going to do? What should I do?
It isn't about doing, it's about feeling.
What should I feel? Even better, what do I want to feel? Hours in an emergency room watching others, feeling other thoughts and stressors and worries, you clarify the struggles. Doing implies control. We can barely control our cars; do we actually think we can control ourselves in a health threat/crisis? No, we're on a rollercoaster ride. You can throw your hands up in the air and take it in moment to moment. Feeling. Or you cannot. Doing is understood. You'll have to do some things in defense of yourself. Doing is a given. Of course, you'll do something. The question is, what do you want to feel while doing.
What do I want to feel? That inquiry felt right.
I started from there two hours into my five-hour emergency room visit. I knew I wanted to feel happy.
I threw fear out the door.
Fear gets you nowhere good. It's not a human's fault, we are fight or flight creatures. Fear is a chemical mix, it's our emotions that define it.
Same chemicals, different recipes. Thinking defines the end results.
Our lives are a nano second in the universe's timeline. Time is cold hard math. You can save it. You can waste it. You can spend it. That saving part is derivative of either wasting it or spending it. Time moves forward no matter what you do inside the space. You're spending time reading this, seconds slipped past, maybe minutes. You don't get those back.
I'm going to do all the things that feed my preferred list of feelings. If someone's words or deeds strike against me for any reason, it is only because they are busy doing, and not feeling.
I know I'm not in trouble now. Big or little. All the puzzle pieces came back to create a healthy picture of me. When the last puzzle piece came, and I finally knew I was okay. I didn't feel better than I did before I knew. I didn't waste a minute. I feel happy about that.